December 20,
2018
I am always a little nostalgic
during the Holidays. I think I am like this most of the year. I am “that adult”
that remembers the Christmas table runner that my mom had on our table during
the Holidays. I remember the single candle lights mom put in each window around
Christmas. She used to have to use tape to hold them in our windows. She would
light them every single night when it got dark and she would come around and
turn them off at bedtime. On Christmas Eve, every home in our neighborhood
would line the street in front of their house and their driveways with these
little white bags filled 2-3 inches high with sand and a tea light candle. They
would be lit & the entire neighborhood was just beautifully bright and
Christmassy.
Most of those
traditions are long past, but they were a part of my childhood every single
year and I still long for them.
I am not sure
if I long for those specific traditions, or just the feeling of Christmas. The
purity, the innocence, the kindness & joy. I don’t ever remember focusing
on the gifts that were under the tree on Christmas morning. Christmas in our
house was about Christmas Eve candle light service at church, dad reading the
Christmas story before bed, waiting for my grandparents to get there on
Christmas morning so we could open gifts, and we always had ham biscuits and
sausage balls on Christmas morning. THOSE things were Christmas to me.
We had
traditions as a family unit while Isaac and Caleb were growing up. One of those
was reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve & having sausage balls and
ham biscuits Christmas morning. Christmases have changed a lot over the last 5
years for me. To me, Christmas is a feeling……and I have NOT had that feeling in
a very long time.
I guess it
all started in 2011. I’ve explained before that my life is broken into
segments.
The first
segment was my childhood, my young adolescents and young parenting and early
married years. I was learning who I am, learning how to be a mom, a wife and a
friend. I was making mistakes and growing. I grew up in a super big hurry on
June 24th 2011 when my ears heard these 10 simple words; “Your
babies will be born today, and they will die.”
Those 10
words wiped away my ability to remember the feeling. That feeling was replaced
with the most intense kind of pain a human should ever have to feel. It was
replaced with dark days, physical pain so deep inside of your soul that you
couldn’t imagine being able to ever smile again. It created a hardened heart.
I so easily
forget just how fragile this life can be. I spent a week in the hospital in
July facing my own mortality if I didn’t make some changes. I needed to figure
out a way to feel SOMETHING. Good or bad, I needed to snap back into real life.
When I came to grips with the terrifying things I went thru in the hospital,
One more piece of bad news came with my oncologist report of the
adenocarcinoma. I don’t know that I felt sorry for myself, or that I ever felt
scared. It was one of those things where you just say “Ok, then let’s get
started”. Some people would probably ask a thousand questions and go over every
option and weigh out the benefits. I am such an impulsive person that I heard
my 2 main options, I knew that one of those was something I did NOT want….so I
chose the 2nd and we got started. I didn’t allow myself to read all
over the internet or stop living my normal daily life. No one understands how
or why I had this kind of attitude toward my treatment but let me explain
why…..
If I stopped
long enough to read on the internet, give into the temptation of finding out
every possibility this cancer had, admitted that I was too tired to get up, too
sick to eat, make food for the kids, stop going to work…….then I would have
fallen apart. I would have finally broken completely. I know this about myself.
I know that I cannot allow myself to get to that place. It isn’t an option. I
don’t know what it will take to get me back once I am completely broken, so I
just can’t. I have an addictive personality, an impulsive one and I don’t have
much patience. Hard truths, but truths none the less.
Let me also
put to rest the REASON I didn’t have a hysterectomy.
This is going
to make absolutely no sense to most people and I apologize in advance if it
sounds ridiculous to you. But, these are my reasons…
It’s a
memory. Yes, I realize they are reproductive organs have served their purpose
in giving me 6 beautiful sons. I do not want to have more kids. I know this.
BUT, it housed all 6 of my sons. 2 of them at the exact same time. 3 of them
are still with me and 3 of them are not. (yes, I realize they will always be in
my heart so please don’t tell me that. It’s a cliché that really is annoying
even if it’s meant with good intentions). Having this surgery would mean losing
that only physical piece of me that housed my children. All of them.
It may sound
just dumb to you, but it’s my reason and It isn’t even open for discussion. It
was brought up 1 time with my oncologist. I told her how I felt and it wasn’t
discussed again.
Also, before
anyone says anything….yes of COURSE if it were life and death, there would be
no question. I have 3 beautiful and healthy boys that need their mama.
BUT, I chose this path because I could handle
suffering for a few months thru chemo and medications and all that comes with
it. I don’t know that mentally I would be able to handle giving up the
attachment (no pun intended) that I have to my uterus. =)
I had a few
points when I started writing this.
1- I am nostalgic & I have a weird
attachment to my uterus. But, it’s partly because I am an addict to memories. I
am an addict to keeping things the SAME. I don’t like major life changes. I’ve
had too many of them in the last 7 years.
2- Christmas is hard. Holidays are hard.
It’s hard for people without emotional issues…but it’s even harder on those
that do have them. So, be kind. Be kind to divorced people. Holidays and
traditions have changed for them. Be kind to children that don’t know the
realities of this cruel world we now inhabit. Be kind to your parents. They
sacrificed their lives to make sure yours was as bountiful as it could be. Be
kind to your siblings, they were your 1st best friend. Be kind to
one another-We each walk a path that is all our own. Be kind and supportive of
others opinions and choices….but one major thing….BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This one
takes a lot of work and I have a lot of work to do with this. But, especially
at the holidays, be kind to yourself. Give yourself some grace.
Make
memories that your children will long for when they are 35. No matter what
stage of life they are in at the time.
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