The story in the Testimony

I guess it’s going to have to hurt

I guess I’m going to have to cry.

Let go of some things I’ve loved

To get to the other side

I guess it’s going to break me down

Like falling when you’re trying to Fly

It’s sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

Starts with Good-bye.

 

 

That is the Chorus to a popular Carrie Underwood song. I have heard it a million times. I even sing along when I hear it. But today, this same song hit me in an entirely different way than it ever has before.

 

I have struggled the last 6 years with my identity.

 

June 23^rd, 2011, my identity was simple. I was a PTA mom, a soccer mom, a baseball mom, a very tired and large pregnant wife waiting to add 2 more lives to our already chaotic lives.

 

June 24^th, 2001…..

          I lost that identity. I was no longer all of those things. I became a shell. I became this person I didn’t recognize. I began to fail as a PTA, Soccer, Baseball, Basketball mom. I was no longer a pregnant wife. I was barely even a wife. Those 2 lives were no longer safely inside of me.

 

Fast forward 6 years 1 month and 15 days….

          My mom identity has changed many times. I’ve seen some happy times & I have seen a LOT of sadness. In 6 years, I have been a mom of 2, then 2 living and 2 angel babies, then 2 living and 3 angel babies and then finally 3 living babies and 3 angels. I’ve held all 6 of my boys for their first breaths. I have held 3 of them for their last. I have kissed 6 sets of tiny little feet. I’ve looked into 6 sets of beautiful eyes. My mom identity has evolved. It has changed in many ways.

 

          My wife identity has changed. I stood beside my high school sweetheart August 10, 2002, along with our 8 month old son & took vows to be his wife forever. Careers, transfers, friends, deaths, child loss, financial burdens, broken promises, moves, issues beyond our control….you name it, we saw it. We lived it, we conquered it & we gave it 110% of what we had. Unfortunately, around that same day in August 2014….I stood beside him in the lawyers’ office receiving copies of our divorce decree.

 

Goodbye is never an easy place to start. It isn’t really even an easy place stop.

Our earthly lives are full of stops and starts that are mostly out of our control.

 

Someone that I do not know very well yet, told me several weeks ago that she couldn’t wait to hear my testimony. At the time I smiled genuinely but inside I was thinking “What is she talking about? I don’t have a testimony. I am the LAST person that needs to be speaking about my relationship with God”.

 

I think most of us would agree that listening to a testimony is usually listening to someone who has been through a horrific event and has come out on the other side a renewed spirit & they are typically embracing Gods hand in their overcoming.

 

With that being said- I do NOT have a testimony.

 

I do however, have a story. I have a series of stories actually, most of which are still do not have an ending.

 

The biggest turning point in my life was losing Ian and Owen. Perhaps it should have been when my oldest was born and I was just a child myself. Maybe it should have been on my wedding day, or the day my 2^nd son blessed this world. But, all of those things were my “American dream”. They were what was meant to happen. They were blessings that I took for granted so easily and often.

 

I still can’t explain the peace I had when Dr. Farber said that there was nothing he could do, the boys were being born & they were going to die. I had no hope for them to live long, because I just felt at ease with the information. While everyone swirled around the room, in and out, on and off the phone, staring at me with pathetic tear filled eyes, I sat there, feeling comforted. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t even scared. I just closed my eyes for a long time & talked to my boys in my head. I soaked in the last few hours of feeling them kick and squirm. It wasn’t until my sister got there, that it was time to deliver. Ian was born within a few minutes and my sister said “well, there is little Isaac”. That was the very first time I remember the anxiety rushing over me. Some 4-5 minutes later my Owen “Little Caleb” was born. My sister was to my left and my husband was to my right. He was strong. He was brave & he was living this nightmare with me.

 

I don’t want to relive that right now, but I remind myself and all of you this, because this is truly where my story begins.

The timeline is basic.

Pregnancy, Delivery, Funeral (Ian and Owen)

7 months later, Pregnancy, Delivery, Funeral  (Maddox)

Sometime in the next 10 months-Separation with intent to divorce

Around the same time-

Pregnant, High Risk, cervical surgery, Delivery, Beautiful Evan.

5 months later-Divorce Final.

 

In the time since the divorce was final in 2014, I have experienced every emotion that the human system can feel.

 

Anger;

          Anger at myself. Anger at my ex husband. Anger at GOD.

 

Betrayal

 

Physical pain- From the deliveries, from the emotional stress, from the depression.

 

Shame;

          Shameful that I wasn’t able to do what a woman is supposed to do. Delivery and protect babies. Shameful that I wasn’t able to be the wife my husband needed and wanted.

 

Depression, Anxiety, Hurt, Regret, Jealousy, Denial, Selfishness…the list goes ON.

 

God was working in my life through all of that. I did my very best to deny him the chance to work in my heart because I was so angry and bitter.

He decided that I needed a wonderful church family in my life, and he gave my Lynn Haven. For a while, it was what I needed. I was learning to trust again & love people again. I was starting to do things that made me happy, like sing, be around other people, and share my story. Until, the trust was broken & my faith in God and in the church were destroyed.

 

Fast forward through about 18-20 months and the dust settles on the church situation. I was determined however, that I would not be part of that new “family”. I felt betrayed personally from the situation, that I had already decided, I was not going to like the new Preacher. I wasn’t going to like his ways, I wasn’t going to like his preaching and I certainly was just NOT GOING TO LIKE HIM. So, I stayed away.

 

My oldest, who I had when I was just a little bit older than he is now, got himself a girlfriend. Shes pretty awesome too. While they are young, and don’t really understand life outside of their little world, they do have a strong bond & they do care an incredible amount for each other.

I tell you about her, because she got my Son to go to church. I had taken him several times with me, but I never forced it and he wasn’t in a place that he needed to be, to accept things the way they were. But she is an avid and active member and little by little, he changed. He became this kid again that has been locked up inside for years.

I had been back to LHBC once since everything went down 2 years ago. Just one time. I went in with a closed mind and heart and no surprise, I left confirming in my mind that I didn’t like the preaching, I didn’t like the music anymore, the people, the changes….I wasn’t going to be a part.

Isaac comes to me & says he wants to go to summer camp. Of course being the mom, I just knew he wanted to go because his girlfriend was going and that meant an entire week together, away from parents. I agreed for him to go because I remember growing up, what an awesome experience those weeks were. You can’t help but come back a changed person.

Im a single mom, I didn’t know where the money was going to come from, but, he went. (later, the money situation was provided by a true child of God and her family, who happen to be someone I knew in childhood, but because one of my best friends following the “fall out” at the church, but that is for another blog post altogether)

Night 1 of camp, I get the most beautiful message from his girlfriend that my son has given his life to Christ. NIGHT ONE.

As a mom, that is all I could ever want for my kids, to know Jesus and to be saved. Just because God and I weren’t on the same page at the moment, I was thankful he had taken ahold of my son.

 

Everything came full circle when I went back to church with him after camp. I was welcomed back with open arms, like I had never left.

 

God had started working in my life in a very serious way when the boys died. I had no real relationship with him anymore when that happened & it continued to weaken over the years. One thing stayed the same however. God made sure there were people in and out of my life reminding me that He is very real & that he is very much at work in my life.

 

Losing Maddox, being rejected by the one person that was supposed to love me for life, divorcing, going through a pregnancy alone, being a single mom, Losing a pastor I trusted….all of things worked for good, eventually.

 

I lost the boys, it’s tragic, but, it showed me that I am a fighter. It allowed me to have a specific understanding so that I can be his hands and feet for moms and dads going through it NOW. I haven’t found my place to plug in yet with this, but I know it’s there. I have already met some amazing women of loss & I know that one day, God will be using this experience for good.

 

Losing my life partner, again, tragic. However, it opened my eyes to something outside of the little bubble I had lived in since I was 17 years old. I am grateful for that time & will continue to love him because he gave me 6 beautiful blessings, but I am able to become who I am meant to be now.

 

Losing the pastor/church I had come to trust, was a big blow. It was a huge betrayal. It was a very hard thing for me to understand & grasp. But again, it showed me that God is bigger than ONE person. I had all of my faith and trust in one human person and that wasn’t Gods intention. He also gave me a beautiful, strong & amazing best friend out of the mess. There was truly something beautiful from that mess…

 

Without all of these situations, my son probably wouldn’t be saved. My middle son would possibly be in jail, or worse. His dad has been able to provide a place for him to live, to go to school & a chance to start over. If we were still married, who knows what would have happened with him. IF we were still together, my kids wouldn’t be getting ready to have their new step-mom. She has loved them like they are hers & she has been a welcomed extension to our family. (Yes, I mean that. I consider her family and yes, I do like her very much. Yes, I have had a hard time with their upcoming nuptials but it is just a human reaction) If I had not lost Ian and Owen, there would be no Maddox. If not for Maddox, there would be no Evan. I would still be making a human my “God Idol” and I wouldn’t have my best friend by my side.

I never would have gone back to Lynn Haven, which means I wouldn’t have this family of believers that loves me, loves my boys & surrounds us constantly in prayer. I would never have given our new pastor a chance. But, I am glad that I did. While I don’t know him, or his family well yet, I know that they have already impacted my life through their teachings, through who they are & their ministry.

 

I have gone way off topic unintentionally. My point to all of this was supposed to be this…

 

I don’t have a grand testimony. I don’t have a story that begins with pain and ends with God’s Grace and mercy. My God relationship is a major work in progress. I acknowledge his hand in all things, but as far as our one on one relationship, it needs work. I didn’t wake up one morning & see Gods face & realize that from this point forward God is in control and I no longer have to worry. It hasn’t happened for me like that.

What I can say, is that my story has many chapters. I feel like there are many more to come. I can Thank God that I am able to wake up daily and while I don’t always do it, I can thank him for the tragedies and I can praise him for the triumphs. I didn’t have a divine moment of clarity. I’ve had a lot of foggy moments with some tiny glimpses of sunlight and I am OK with that. It means I am still here. I am still waiting for God to guide me on where and how to serve him. DO I pray daily? I sure do not. I should and I know that, but like I said, my relationship is rocky at best.

 

So here I am. Just a single mom, hot mess of a women & an in-process child of God with no eye opening testimony to share. But my story…..That is still going.