2017

As the end of another year approaches, it is often the time most reflect on the current year; their lives, their families & their dreams.

 

For parents who have lost children, for adults that have faced divorced, for people young and old that make life changing mistakes or decisions; That time of reflection comes daily, not just as the calendar turns to a brand new year.

 

I will never regret starting this blog. I have gone back and read things 3 and even 4 times when I feel really lonely and when I am missing my boys. I can read the words now and feel the raw emotion and the distress that I shared with the world. The rawness has started to heal & the triggers such as hospital smell, new baby smells, tears…have somewhat faded. There are days I feel guilty that I can’t touch that place in my heart to connect with those emotions. SO many times I want to cry, or I want to feel that anger and rage just for a few minutes, but I just can’t seem to get to that point. My therapist says that’s a good thing. I assume it probably is.

 

I can look back however, and see the support, the comfort & the unconditional love of friendship that has gotten me to this place.

 

Here is the truth;

It’s been HARD. It will be hard in some ways moving forward. I allowed grief to completely consume me. I allowed it to hinder relationships. I allowed it to harbor anger and resentment in my heart. I allowed it to control my day to day and sometimes minute to minute decisions and let me tell you-almost 100% of those, were bad decisions.

 

My oldest and I were talking about depression (general conversation, nothing specific) tonight in the car on the way home. One of us mentioned something about a sign being constant sleep & the loss of desire to do fun things, or BE a functioning member of society. I reminded him “Do you remember that stretch of time for about 6-8 months after your dad left, that I didn’t leave my room?

He quickly agreed that he remembered it well. I didn’t cook any meals (and I am still having trouble getting back into this). I didn’t clean my house (again, still kind of slow getting back at this one too)….I didn’t go out of the house, normally not even my room. We stopped having family dinners at the table. Most of the mornings, I wasn’t even awake when Isaac left for school. After Evan was born, I leaned on his caregiver, and one of my closest friends to come and get him & bring him home because it meant I didn’t have to leave. It meant I didn’t have to push through a day caring for someone else when I couldn’t care for myself.

 

There was never a defining moment for me that it just clicked and I got better. One day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time was just about enough for me.

 

I remember getting up one day and decided to take a shower & do a load of laundry because it was piled taller than my 6ft son in the hallway. I was up for all of 30 minutes…and I remember being so disconnected and so out of it. I was exhausted after just 30 minutes of being an adult. A few days later, I did a little more, then a little more until a few weeks into this, I was at least getting up and getting myself dressed on my own.

 

I hid things well (at least I think I did). My family, to my knowledge, didn’t know it had gotten so bad. I don’t believe they knew I was spending time doing nothing but sleeping, crying, and drinking Fireball Whiskey until everything felt numb again.

 

I think it’s safe to say, I have been through (and still deal with it to some degree) depression.

 

I drank. I drank a LOT. I made some stupid stupid decisions when I drank. I guess most people do. I tried to make myself heal way faster than I was ready for. I went through the God anger. I went through the “God you’re all that can help me” phase. Each time, I realized that I would get a little bit of peace and I would back off. I couldn’t handle feeling anything but numbness or anger/pain. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything else.

 

SO, I drank some more.

 

I’ve learned in therapy over the last few years, that my pain and numbness wasn’t just anger. It was rejection.

 

My body couldn’t do what it was designed to do. My body rejected me.

Again, months later, it rejected me again. Then, the man I thought I would love forever…rejected me. I made myself believe that God rejected me. In turn, I made myself believe that I let everyone down. I covered up my true feelings by trying to do good things for other people, ultimately failing because my heart wasn’t in it. My intensions were good, but my heart didn’t follow.

I really became a person I didn’t like. I felt like I had disappointed my family. I would sit and imagine that my parents would be thinking “Gosh, that daughter of mine can’t even keep my grandchildren alive”. (Yes, I know this is dramatic and not at ALL the case).

 

My depression turned into spending money. I had to spend money to make myself happy. Instant Gratification. I felt so crappy for being such a shitty mom for those months, that my brilliant plan was to buy whatever my kids wanted, do whatever they wanted….because I needed them to love me. I couldn’t handle the rejection from my own kids.

 

Then, I had to come to the realization that my middle son was better off living somewhere other than with me. As amazing of a kid as he really is, my heart was hurting, and he was feeling rejection from me as I was feeling rejection from everyone else. He had some serious emotional baggage from our experiences over the course of 5 years and my boy is just like his mama. He needed a change of scenery. He needed something more than I could provide. He needed his dad.

Deep down though, it felt like more rejection to me. While I knew it was the right thing for our son, it was another sting to the heart for me.

 

As we near the end of this year, my goals are clearer to me now than they have been before. I have a long way to go. I have to make some better choices. I’ve come a long way, but I still have some progress to make. I have to stop blaming myself for what happened. I have to embrace the love and support I have been shown and finally start reciprocating that friendship.

I can honestly tell you, it is not without great sadness that I realize this….There truly are people that have unconditional love for me. Those that know I have nothing financially, emotionally or spiritually to give to them, yet they are still there, 100% of the time. From talking to me in the middle of the night, to Random texts about unicorns & fairytales, encouraging me spiritually, giving me a not so easy to hear opinion, showing up randomly at Evans care providers house to pay for his daycare because you knew I was having a rough patch with money, or to simply dropping a sprite off at my doorstep when you knew I wasn’t feeling well and wanted sprite.

 

The thank you’ s could go on forever. The apologies for my shitty friendship could go on even longer. But, the gratefulness and the encouragement I feel in my heart, tops the cake for this 2016. My blessings far outweigh the hurt, the past & the experiences. When I am surrounded by these people I love so much, but have nothing to give, I know that God is giving me another chance to become who I should have become 15 years ago.

 

Of course, I had to be stubborn and bull headed causing him to be super dramatic to get me to this place.

 

SO, Here is to a super slow transition. Here is to contributing emotionally & spiritually to those that have been my angels through this. Here is to kissing the pity party good-bye and here is to telling rejection to kiss my ass…

 

I am worthy, The mess I have been through was uninvited, but it was a part of the journey (or still IS a part of the journey) that will allow me to share with others, befriend others, and be the mom my boys on earth deserve.

 

To 2017- This should be fun!