Loyalties & forgetfulness

July 18, 2016

 

Sometimes, I could be listening to the radio & a specific song or phrase, with no warning, will leave me drenched in my own tears.

 

I am convinced that most people will just never understand.

 

They will never understand why 80% of the time, I have a look on my face that resembles someone that is completely dead inside.

 

They will never understand the reason I look so tired all the time, is not because I am raising 3 boys by myself, but because I don’t sleep.

 

They will never understand that I don’t sleep because I have night terrors.

 

There are moments where I feel like I am re-living this nightmare again. There are times when I feel like it never even happened and it is just a distant dream.

 

In a very short amount of time between 2011 and 2014….I buried 3 sons. I buried a 12 year marriage after what was left of my heart, shattered into a million more pieces. We officially ended our journey in Richmond & started a new journey in Roanoke just before finding out about the twins.

My emotions were up. My emotions were down.

 

Most days not-my emotions are dull. I feel like I have dealt with the pain. I feel like I have managed the hurt in a desirable way. Then, there are those other days, where I feel like a 3 year old and all I want to do is cry, scream & be mad.

 

To continue this blog as it has been for 5 years now, I choose to be raw with my emotions. I am not sure how it comes across. Either that I am whiny and need to get over it already, or that I am still grieving, or even that I am not making sense. But, this is my place to let it go. This is my place to share my inner most emotions and thoughts.

 

I have never been a super sensitive person, but now, as I am getting older & I am accepting the changes that have been forced on me, I have realized that my emotions are a lot less subdued than they once were. Part of me really wants to feel honored that I was chosen to carry Ian, Owen and Maddox. Some of me feels so honored and blessed to be all they knew in this horrible cold world.

But, another part of me feels angry. I feel like I got shorted something very special. I feel like the world owes me something. Like I was taken advantage of.

 

I am not sure if I leaned on others after the boys died or not. I honestly don’t remember PEOPLE during that time. I remember coming home and curling up on the bed with their blankets and just crying. I remember baseball the next day. I remember the funeral home and that wretched tiny white box that became part of my nightmares.

 

I remember my ex-husband standing beside me-but I remember him being speechless. I don’t know that we really exchanged many words, or even glances over the next couple of days…..

 

I know that he tried very hard to be supportive of whatever emotion I was feeling each second of the day-and those emotions changed quickly and often.

One small piece of advice I can give anyone who has to go through this...

DO NOT push your partner away. Even unintentionally. Make it a point, Daily, Hourly, or even ever few minutes if necessary that you are in this hell together. Don’t try to be OK on your own. Lean on your partner.

 

My mistake came out of guilt. I felt ashamed to look at my ex-husband for fear that he was blaming me for losing them. I know NOW that this was never the case, but in my desperation for answers, I convinced myself that he was the enemy. Years later, I realize that somehow, I pushed him away and he pushed me away. We grieved very differently & it ultimately tore down our relationship.

 

While I was grieving my babies, I was grieving him too.

 

From that, I moved on to grieving the loss of myself. The loss of my control over things. The loss of my ability to communicate emotions or accept change.

 

If you have never experienced this kind of loss, it is a loss like no other. As a mom, you not only lose that child(ren), you lose yourself. You lose who you were. You lose pieces of yourself you just didn’t know existed.

 

For me however, life never really slowed down. Ian and Owen were born on Friday, I was at the baseball field Sunday watching Isaac play. Monday @ The funeral home and Tuesday, their funeral. I was back to work quickly and life just rolled on. Just months later, I was pregnant with Maddox. Months after, I was doing the same thing. A few months following that, the tiny bit of comfort I had left, was gone in a matter of one conversation. So many events led to so much hurt that could never be repaired. Ultimately, my marriage was dissolved. I am fairly certain that I have been numb for years.

 

Over the last 36 months, my divorce became final. I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful miracle rainbow baby & I am slowly rebuilding that relationship with the boys father/my ex-husband.

 

However, all of those events shaped me. Some things I am OK with, and others, not so much.

 

            I am now a VERY co-dependent person and find it VERY hard to trust completely right now.

            I often can’t get a grip on reality. Sometimes I still slip into the depression that was so prominent those few years.

            I can’t get on the same page with God. I’ve tried, but the time just wasn’t exact. My soul was broken down again by something tragic in the place I thought God called me to be part of.

            In this entire process, I learned to hate myself & blame myself. I stopped taking care of myself emotionally, mentally & physically. I stopped caring about what I was putting in my body and what I was allowing my mind to follow. Now, I am paying for those choices as I am trying to love myself again.

I know that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of those situations, but it doesn’t make them any less real. It doesn’t make them disappear and it doesn’t make me OK.

Experiencing the twists and turns of this path has really opened my eyes to some of the more basic things in life. I have a deeper understanding of the blessings in my 3 living sons. I have a deeper respect for moms and dads that are simply just not able to have children.

 

 

But on a more personal note-what it has done to me-most certainly can’t really be undone.

I have a hard time getting motivation to do anything most days. On the weekends my kids are with their dad, you will most likely find me sleeping as much as possible. At the very least-laying around doing nothing.

I have thrown myself into my job. I’ve set unrealistic expectations for myself when it comes to achieving success in the workplace.

I have found that I require a certain amount of affirmation. Whether it be normal or not, I don’t feel complete without the approval or encouragement from others. I don’t like to physically be alone but I also don’t like being in crowds.

 

Am I dead inside? Parts of me, yes….

I understand now how 5 years can change things. As someone told me many times before…”it doesn’t get better, it just gets different”.