Life After

As the end of another year approaches, it is often the time most reflect on the current year; their lives, their families & their dreams.   For parents who have lost children, for adults that have faced divorced, for people young and old that make life changing mistakes or decisions; That time of reflection comes daily, not just as the calendar turns to a brand new year.   I will never regret starting this blog. I have gone back and read things 3 and even 4 times when I feel really lonely and when I am missing my boys. I can read the words now and feel the raw emotion and the distress that I shared with the world. The rawness has started to heal & the triggers such as hospital smell, new baby smells, tears…have somewhat faded. There are days I feel guilty that I can’t touch that place in my heart to connect with those emotions. SO many times I want to cry, or I want to feel that anger and rage just for a few minutes, but I just can’t seem to get to that...

July 18, 2016   Sometimes, I could be listening to the radio & a specific song or phrase, with no warning, will leave me drenched in my own tears.   I am convinced that most people will just never understand.   They will never understand why 80% of the time, I have a look on my face that resembles someone that is completely dead inside.   They will never understand the reason I look so tired all the time, is not because I am raising 3 boys by myself, but because I don’t sleep.   They will never understand that I don’t sleep because I have night terrors.   There are moments where I feel like I am re-living this nightmare again. There are times when I feel like it never even happened and it is just a distant dream.   In a very short amount of time between 2011 and 2014….I buried 3 sons. I buried a 12 year marriage after what was left of my heart, shattered into a million more pieces. We officially ended o...

When I started this blog almost 5 years ago (yep, almost 5 years has Passed) I thought this was going to be a great place for me to come to share how my grief process was going. I imagined this place of comfort & this place where I could be completely raw. I wanted people to understand what it was like to lose a child. I wanted people to read & know better how to approach someone in their life that was going through the same kind of traumatic event. Somewhere over the years, I allowed everyone reading into my mind, my heart & my life as I mourned the loss of Ian & Owen, as I shared the joy of being pregnant with my rainbow baby Maddox, and then eventually, mourned his loss as well. Many months later, I hesitantly wrote about my new pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Evan, as many of you remember, I was considered high risk, obviously. I shared my experience with my weekly appointments, the devil shot I had to take in order to keep him alive. The horribly painful...

January 4, 2016   I am not even sure where to start. 2015 is dead & gone. It’s somewhat bittersweet to me. It closes another year of heart ache & pain, and it opens a new chapter with possibilities that are unlimited. Just like in all of the years passed, I don’t have any resolutions. I learned in 2011, that it really doesn’t matter what we “resolve” to do. Life is going to take its own twists and turns. It’s never going to go exactly as we plan. When I went into early labor with the twins, my sister made it from her home (which essentially should be about 4 ½ hours away) to the hospital, in something like 2 ½ hours or less. I knew hours before, that I needed to push. But I wanted her to be there with me. She made it JUST in time. I remember looking up at her and crying and screaming “this isn’t how it was supposed to happen”. A few weeks later, my sister sends me a book about a Christian artist and his wife as they struggled with the loss of their dau...