I swear some days I have so many things going through my mind that I want to put on paper and I just can't get it to come together where it would make sense.
I have poured my heart into my job for the last 4 years, because it was the only place where I felt I had some kind of control of what was going on around me.
At home, I had no control over the fact that sin had come into my marriage. In my body, I had no control over my children dying in my arms. In my friendships, relationships and family, I had no control of their opinions, their thoughts, their feelings. Everything around me felt like this weird out of body experience where everything happened in slow motion and all i could do was stand still and watch it happen.
At least at work, I was able to control my surroundings. I was able to talk to people who had no idea that my husband had just left me, or my kids had just died. I was able to talk to customers on the phone that didn't see ME. They didn't see what had come to define me. They just knew me, for me.
I believe with my entire heart that I am the only person that truly understands me. I have come to a crossroads in my life now. I am standing in this place I never wanted or expected. My therapist has been trying to break me down to a point where I can finally let go of the things that I feel. I first had to get to a place where I felt safe. A place that I knew I could say what I was feeling and there would be no ramifications. There would be no argument. There would be no judgement. The past conversations or arguments wouldn't be brought up. There would be no justification of how I feel.
Today, I finally said out loud, the words that have stayed on the tip of my tongue but the forefront of my mind and heart for several years now.
In pretty much these exact words, my first 20 minutes of therapy went something like this....
" I am a failure. I am worthless. I am broken and I am a sinner. I feel like I constantly need to justify myself and my actions. I made many mistakes after my separation that I wish I could take back, but at the time, I needed something that made me feel like I wasn't broken and worthless.
I am ANGRY. NO, I take that back. I am down right pissed the hell off. I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for allowing things to get so out of control in my mind and heart. I am mad as hell as the man I wanted to grow old with. I am down right furious with God for allowing the shit storm to keep on rolling. I am mad that my children have suffered the brunt of things. I am irritated that I didn't stand up for myself and demand what I needed for my kids to live securely. I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I see someone who deserves every bad thing that has come along. I am frustrated that I can't just be like other people and build a bridge and get over it. I am angry that the lives of those around me has gone one. From new relationships, to new families, new lives, etc. I can't figure out who I am anymore. I have made mistakes that I want to take back. I want to scream at the loudest volume I can everyday because I have a million feelings, and they all just come out MAD".
OK, so....after my therapist swallowed a few times. He smiled and said he was proud that I finally got to this place. Granted, I have BEEN in this place, I just haven't been in a place where I felt comfortable admitting many of these failures and feelings.
I hear things constantly around me that I want so badly to feel and be...but for some reason, I am stuck in the place that won't allow me to let anything in completely.
Everything up to this point for me, has been temporary fulfillment. It has been something to keep my focus off of the hate I feel inside.
I say ALL of this-so that you can see and understand---HOLDING YOUR DYING OR DEAD CHILD changes you from the outside-to the very core of who you were.
I cannot even remember what life was like before June 24, 2011. I can't remember a single event that happened before that morning. I HATE that for Isaac and Caleb, because I have lost a lot of my memory from their childhood.
I am currently blaming myself for Caleb's emotional issues. I haven't been a mother to my living sons. They should be the center of my life-and while I feel like they are mentally and in my heart, emotionally....I am incapable.
I'm not sure where we go from here. I feel like I could sit in my therapists office for hours and days because i feel like the second we finally start getting somewhere, it's time to call it quits for the week. I always leave the office focused and drained. I appreciate that he isn't afraid to be honest with me and call me out. I appreciate that he offers advice and doesn't just let me talk the whole time. I appreciate the perspective he gives.
I think I may possibly be the only person that knows my heart truly. I say things that get taken out of context frequently. I am bitter, yes. Of course i am. Wouldn't you be if your world was turned upside down not once, or twice, or even three times??? The hits keep coming....and I keep struggling to tread water.
Anyway-I am disheartened tonight as I sit here and type furiously. I am upset because I learned of some childish behavior that is happening at my expense. People that I have tried to surround myself with due to their religious experience and positivity and support-have proven what I have been struggling with. I know people aren't perfect. But even the holiest of people can't refrain from rumors that hurt not just me, but others?
I am not a bad person. I do somewhere deep inside have a loving, forgiving beautiful heart. I wish I could find that person again. I feel like i am living this life as a shell of a person. I am just existing in what appears to be happiness to others.
I am petrified of this life. I am petrified of spending the rest of this life to fend for myself. I am scared to death that my kids will grow up not knowing what a good marriage and a respectful and Godly relationship look like.
I want to be the me that I was again. I want to love myself again. I want to feel something other than constant pain, hurt and dissapointment.
It is impossible to fix yourself, when every piece of you is shattered.
I have poured my heart into my job for the last 4 years, because it was the only place where I felt I had some kind of control of what was going on around me.
At home, I had no control over the fact that sin had come into my marriage. In my body, I had no control over my children dying in my arms. In my friendships, relationships and family, I had no control of their opinions, their thoughts, their feelings. Everything around me felt like this weird out of body experience where everything happened in slow motion and all i could do was stand still and watch it happen.
At least at work, I was able to control my surroundings. I was able to talk to people who had no idea that my husband had just left me, or my kids had just died. I was able to talk to customers on the phone that didn't see ME. They didn't see what had come to define me. They just knew me, for me.
I believe with my entire heart that I am the only person that truly understands me. I have come to a crossroads in my life now. I am standing in this place I never wanted or expected. My therapist has been trying to break me down to a point where I can finally let go of the things that I feel. I first had to get to a place where I felt safe. A place that I knew I could say what I was feeling and there would be no ramifications. There would be no argument. There would be no judgement. The past conversations or arguments wouldn't be brought up. There would be no justification of how I feel.
Today, I finally said out loud, the words that have stayed on the tip of my tongue but the forefront of my mind and heart for several years now.
In pretty much these exact words, my first 20 minutes of therapy went something like this....
" I am a failure. I am worthless. I am broken and I am a sinner. I feel like I constantly need to justify myself and my actions. I made many mistakes after my separation that I wish I could take back, but at the time, I needed something that made me feel like I wasn't broken and worthless.
I am ANGRY. NO, I take that back. I am down right pissed the hell off. I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for allowing things to get so out of control in my mind and heart. I am mad as hell as the man I wanted to grow old with. I am down right furious with God for allowing the shit storm to keep on rolling. I am mad that my children have suffered the brunt of things. I am irritated that I didn't stand up for myself and demand what I needed for my kids to live securely. I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I see someone who deserves every bad thing that has come along. I am frustrated that I can't just be like other people and build a bridge and get over it. I am angry that the lives of those around me has gone one. From new relationships, to new families, new lives, etc. I can't figure out who I am anymore. I have made mistakes that I want to take back. I want to scream at the loudest volume I can everyday because I have a million feelings, and they all just come out MAD".
OK, so....after my therapist swallowed a few times. He smiled and said he was proud that I finally got to this place. Granted, I have BEEN in this place, I just haven't been in a place where I felt comfortable admitting many of these failures and feelings.
I hear things constantly around me that I want so badly to feel and be...but for some reason, I am stuck in the place that won't allow me to let anything in completely.
Everything up to this point for me, has been temporary fulfillment. It has been something to keep my focus off of the hate I feel inside.
I say ALL of this-so that you can see and understand---HOLDING YOUR DYING OR DEAD CHILD changes you from the outside-to the very core of who you were.
I cannot even remember what life was like before June 24, 2011. I can't remember a single event that happened before that morning. I HATE that for Isaac and Caleb, because I have lost a lot of my memory from their childhood.
I am currently blaming myself for Caleb's emotional issues. I haven't been a mother to my living sons. They should be the center of my life-and while I feel like they are mentally and in my heart, emotionally....I am incapable.
I'm not sure where we go from here. I feel like I could sit in my therapists office for hours and days because i feel like the second we finally start getting somewhere, it's time to call it quits for the week. I always leave the office focused and drained. I appreciate that he isn't afraid to be honest with me and call me out. I appreciate that he offers advice and doesn't just let me talk the whole time. I appreciate the perspective he gives.
I think I may possibly be the only person that knows my heart truly. I say things that get taken out of context frequently. I am bitter, yes. Of course i am. Wouldn't you be if your world was turned upside down not once, or twice, or even three times??? The hits keep coming....and I keep struggling to tread water.
Anyway-I am disheartened tonight as I sit here and type furiously. I am upset because I learned of some childish behavior that is happening at my expense. People that I have tried to surround myself with due to their religious experience and positivity and support-have proven what I have been struggling with. I know people aren't perfect. But even the holiest of people can't refrain from rumors that hurt not just me, but others?
I am not a bad person. I do somewhere deep inside have a loving, forgiving beautiful heart. I wish I could find that person again. I feel like i am living this life as a shell of a person. I am just existing in what appears to be happiness to others.
I am petrified of this life. I am petrified of spending the rest of this life to fend for myself. I am scared to death that my kids will grow up not knowing what a good marriage and a respectful and Godly relationship look like.
I want to be the me that I was again. I want to love myself again. I want to feel something other than constant pain, hurt and dissapointment.
It is impossible to fix yourself, when every piece of you is shattered.
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