Loyalties & forgetfulness

3/16/15

 

Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to battle my way out of the depression that I allowed to engulf my spirit.

 

I started in October, so I have had roughly 18-22 sessions.

 

Session 1-probably 9 or 10…I sat with my arms crossed. Mostly answering with Yes or No answers to the deliberately irritating questions Steve would ask me. I am sure in his therapy type mind; he was analyzing body language, agitation, responses and at some points, my ability to form actual words.

 

I gave very vague answers because honestly, I had nothing I wanted to talk about. There was nothing that HE could say to me that I wanted to hear.

 

Sessions 10-now-has been MUCH more detailed and much more enlightening for me. Once I finally agreed to speak in full sentences and uncross my arms, I have been able to have a more accurate look at my heart (or what is left of it) and how deep my scars actually ran.

 

The key words in the last 2 weeks since we discussed relinquishment has been

“Abandonment & betrayal”

 

I have gone through the emotions on a top of the surface level. Just now, am I starting to go back in time and really tear apart the feelings and the emotions and how they led me to this person I am today.

 

I am reading an AWESOME book called “When Happily ever after shatters”.

IT is a story written by a woman, who after 17 years of marriage, discovered her very Christian and public figure of a husband was also an adulteress.  It goes through her grief, her desire to save her marriage, her anguish, her bitterness, her anger, her resentment, her forgiveness and eventually her hope and her future. She has 5 children, and suffered with abandonment and betrayal. This book (I am only ½ way through)-has already given me a run for my money emotionally. I haven’t been able to sit and continue reading like I normally would any other book. As I read her words, and continue through her story, I feel like I am walking just alongside of her living this nightmare with her.

 

 

I went back and re-read some of a previous blog post. One that was done in 2011, just shortly after the initial loss. I want to re-visit these things…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" I am a mother of twins, what’s your superpower?"

I love this funny line. I saw it on t-shirts & bumper stickers when I was pregnant with Ian & Owen. Cris and I (more so Cris) would look up funny onsies for twins…. and this funny line was always somewhere in the mix. We had found several little t-shirts we wanted to get the boys when they were here. Who knows-maybe one day God will bless us with twins again (one can dream, right?)

I’ve learned a lot about grief in the last 4 months.

 

 

1: Everyone deals with it differently.

This is kind of cliché because of course, everyone deals with every situation differently than someone else. That’s the beauty of being human. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need or want to. I’ve learned to accept that I am not the same person that I was before June 24^th. I’ve learned that I care a lot less about what people think of how I am dealing with things or how people perceive me, because I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses, and I am ok with that.

 

I still agree with this. People do still deal very differently. At this point, I can look back and feel the bitterness in my statements. I had not truly accepted anything about June 24^th. Before or after as a matter of fact.

I also did care a LOT what people thought of how I was dealing with things. I still do to some extent.

To this day, I don’t believe I have any strengths, but I am certainly more aware of my weaknesses.             

 

 

 

2: Some don’t grieve because they don’t know HOW to grieve.

Example: Someone I know lost her infant years ago. Recently, she came to me & asked me if I was involved in a support group (again, I will not mention any names in this writing). She expressed to me that her loss feels like just yesterday & that she doesn’t confide in friends or family, because none of them have been through this kind of a loss. I can relate to that feeling. Well, sort of. I explained to her, that through this process, I’ve come across MANY women that are experiencing the kind of loss that I am. Even some of my close friends that I didn’t know had experienced a loss. I have become closer and closer to some other women in my circle of friends because they’ve been there while I scream, cry, yell or laugh. They walk me through the daily process and check on my often. They can see all over my face (or read through my emails) that I either A) need to talk or B) need to be left alone about this situation or another. Having a support system is an overwhelmingly important aspect to healing. I choose not to talk about it with my family because it’s hard to describe what I feel. I also want to put on the "I am OK" face so that they can move on with their lives. I’m not so sure that’s possible for me at this moment, but it’s not fair to hold back those that can, or want to. NOT suggesting that they want to, because they experienced a loss too-They lost grandsons & nephews. But, it’s easier to glide over how I feel in conversation because it’s never good to be the Debbie downer all the time. There are other things in life that deserve as much attention as how I feel =)

 

 

I feel different about this lesson I learned now. I no longer believe that people do not know HOW to grieve. I believe the issue, is that people do not WANT to grieve. That would be me: for the last 4 years. Subconsciously, I thought the emotions I was experiencing were part of the grieving process, when in fact…it was just plain refusal to accept. (Which is consequently a part of grieving)

 

 

 

3: Sometimes grief can bring people closer.

Sadly, or not so sadly, Cris and I have a new relationship. I will never forget the day that I got out of the hospital and we came home. After everyone left, the boys had gone to the lake with grandud (bless grandud for giving us that time to get resettled into our new normal). Cris and I went to our room & just laid down. I took the boys blankets out of the little white cloth bags that the hospital sent them home in and I just laid there & cried. Cris laid there and held my hand until we both fell asleep. We have a new understanding about life and each other. Trust me, we both have our horrible days-where nothing either of us do is the right thing. I take him for granted all too often. I get so self-absorbed in my own feelings that I forget that he is a father of twin angels just like I am a mother of twin angels. His grief process is much different than mine, but we are 2 totally different people. We do however; will forever be bonded by 4 wonderful children. Not only are we married, until death do us part, but I think this falls in the line of "for better or for worse" This certainly would be the WORSE part! We have a more understanding relationship now, so I’d say, we can thank Ian & Owen for that. Although-whoever is responsible; I’d like to say that this extreme was not necessary!

 

I remember clearly, writing the above paragraph. I remember having tears streaming down my face as I wrote it because I knew the deep connection and love I had for that man. I remember so clearly how I felt so saddened that my anger and pain had taken me away from being the wife I should have been to him. When push came to shove, “until death do us part” took on a new meaning. Death DID do us part, just now the death of our physical beings. The deaths of our 3 sons, caused us to die inside. To this day, I know that I took him for granted. To this day, I know that we will forever have a bond, no matter where we are in life, or who is by our side. Part of my therapy now is coming to terms with the “forever” not lasting for as long as I had anticipated or hoped. We do still talk a lot and I truly hope that never changes. I am sure as the kids get older, we will have less and less of a reason to communicate, but I know, we will always share those moments in the hospital with our sons that no one else had. We will always share those glances and the “ I know what you’re feeling without saying a word” kind of moments. I look at my 3 beautiful living children and I see his eyes, and his smile. The one that I fell in love with 15 years ago. For that, I am blessed. We may not have been able to stay married to each other, but we will always be connected in those 6 children.Yes, to this day, I regret being so self-absorbed in my own pain, that I neglected my “then” husband. Things do happen for a reason…..and one day I may understand this one. Right now, it’s a work in progress for me. It’s a battle I go through daily-because as angry as I was about how things happened between us, you don’t just stop loving.

 

 

 

 

 

4: Grief makes you question what you believe

I guess this makes sense though. Depending on how religious you are, some would say its "Satan trying to sway your feelings" I don’t really buy into that though. I’m not sure WHAT role God plays in all of this, if he plays one @ all. I don’t believe what people say "God has a purpose and a plan". There is no justification for such a purpose or plan of losing a child. Sorry, there just isn’t. I also don’t believe God takes things away from us to teach a lesson. I do feel like my kids were taken from me but I also feel blessed that they were given to me in the first place. I don’t feel that there is a lesson to be learned from this & I don’t believe there is something "better" to be had by this situation. I’ve made it no secret that I am angry with God. I am angry at religion. Any and all people associated with the religious life we had prior to this, I am not interested in talking to. I’m not interested in having a conversation about how God is always there, or how God will be there when we get through this. At my stage of grief, this is how I feel and it just is what it is. Sorry if you disagree.

 

My feelings on this have certainly changed to a degree.

 

I still do not feel that there is justification or reason for this to be. I don’t understand why it happened, or what purpose it serves in my life. I can tell you-since 2011 when this excerpt was written, I have lost another son, I have been through the abandonment of a husband I thought would be by my side forever, I have gone through an insanely hard pregnancy of a baby boy that has become a BLESSING and a miracle to our family, and I am currently battling the depression, the hurt, the pain and the relinquishment in ALL of those things.

People tell me DAILY that I am strong and that some people could never have gotten through what I have.

Let me tell you something I have learned….In the beginning, I was strong-because I didn’t allow myself to feel. In the middle, the weakness kicked in and the depression and despair started. I felt like I was drowning and there was nothing to pull me up. Now, I am slowly and I do mean SLOWLY understanding that I am 100% weak.

I am weak-but GOD is strong.

I am not the person that God intended me to be. But, I am also not a loss.

Here are just a few highlights of the things he has shown me in the last 3 years.

·         I was blessed with an amazing church family

·         I have been faced with a lot of learning opportunities in relationships, in finances, in my work life. I have failed at more than 1 of them, but I have been able to pick myself up and try again.

·         I am human ( I know, I was shocked too). My feelings are normal, They are OK, they are justified, they have to be addressed.

·         I am a completely different set of friends now than I had just a few years ago. God has placed people in my life that have shown me different directions, helped me through very dark times, and have challenged me to be a better me.

·         I have been given people that just down right SUCK too. They each taught me valuable lessons that needed to be taught. I made stupid decisions, but I made the best ones I was capable of at the time.

·         I see the importance in taking care of ME. I am at so much more of a peace right now, by not chasing after something that is outside of Gods timing or his will. My feeling got hurt just recently by someone that I poured a lot of time, energy and focus into. It was a hard lesson to learn, but one I am so grateful for. If not for that situation, I wouldn’t have learned how important I am. How Valuable that CASEY is-and how I do not deserve the crap storm that I have been dealt-but In the Will of God—it’s where he needed me to be.

 

 

I also learned-Next time, I will ask for an umbrella, because shit storms HURT.