God help us all...Time to give up!

Ugh,

 

I honestly am not really even sure where to start with this.

 

Let me start with the reason for this blog entry.

Each week, my therapist has been challenging me take one uncomfortable topic and face it head on.

My level of comfort and yours are 2 different things I am sure, but these specific challenges are things that we are working through in my session. These are things that have inhibited my growth as an adult, as a Christian, as a mom, as a friend, and as a future partner to someone.

 

Two weeks ago, we discussed relinquishment. He charged with me the task of studying it, knowing its full value and meaning and brainstorming ideas and ways that I can fully relinquish things that I am holding onto.

 

I did spend the better part of that week studying it. I read articles. I found scripture that I felt led to. I spoke to others that have gone through some similar situations, and I read a LOT of statistics and data. (I like my statistics and data)

 

Here are a few things that I am holding on to, that I am working on relinquishing

 

#1- (not the most important though) CONTROL

            I have an unhealthy addiction to control. Perhaps it’s the single parent in me. Perhaps it’s some of the ins and outs of my job. I am not sure. I believe part of it comes from the feeling that I couldn’t control the babies dying, or my divorce.

            Regardless, I have prayed over, and I have begun the process of letting go of some CONTROL.

I say that, but I can promise you-this will be a very long process for me.

 

#2-GUILT

a-     Guilt from the babies. I KNOW it was not my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. But, I am coming to understand that the overwhelming power that holding guilt can have on your life.

b-     Guilt from my marriage. I know it’s not my fault that Cris and I made decisions that would end our marriage. We both made mistakes and we both made choices. THANKFULLY, we are able to maintain a friendship and raise our children together.

c-     The choices I made AFTER my separation. This one is all me. I deserve the guilt from this. I made some VERY poor decisions that are haunting me.

 

Those are the 2 main things I need to relinquish right now. I’ve had 2 weeks to practice….and I have failed miserably.

 

I do believe there is truth in learning from your mistakes. I fall short in this area. I have acknowledged my mistakes. Where I go wrong, is my willpower to not repeat the same mistakes. The mistakes I continue to make (as most do) make me happy for the short term. But, when it comes down it, the choices are unhealthy, and do not help me long term.

 

 

 

February is NOT my favorite month.

#1-It is Maddoxs’ birthday month.

 

#2-Valentine ’s Day. I LOATHE this “holiday”.

 We have started a new series at church called “what is love?”-appropriate considering this holiday.

 

My Pastor preaches in such a way that it doesn’t single out married couples, singles, teenagers, etc…It is to the entire congregation. It speaks to each of us differently. Yesterday, my interpretation of his sermon was about Gods love-and how loving God must come first in any relationship or it will never be fruitful.

 

Gods love for us is pure. His love is unconditional and honest. We must strive to love as he has loved us.

 

One thing that Pastor Michael said, that really stuck out to me-was “ It’s a good thing Gods love is not contingent on our obedience”.

 

Holy lord thank GOD that is not the case.

 

If it were the case, He would have given up on me a very long time ago.

 

When you are a teenager, you think you are invincible. You make mistakes, you make bad life choices-but usually you aren’t making decision that affects anyone but yourself. At that stage in your life-it’s perfectly acceptable to be a little wild. When you’re in your 20’s, you’re in college and making some mistakes and some poor choices-but you’re learning, and you’re growing. You eventually find the person you will marry-normally in your 20’s. You get married, start a family, and all of those poor choices became lessons and stories to tell your kids.

 

When I was 17, I was pregnant with my oldest son. I was married shortly after, owned a home, held a FT job and was “responsible” in every sense of the word. We struggled financially, emotionally and mentally raising a kid as a teenager, and not doing things the way we had intended. However, this was the ramification of a decision I made as a teenager. I was blessed. Cris could have turned away and run, but he didn’t. He loved me and he loved his son. We became a happy, responsible family.

 

Fast forward 11 years…..6 kids later….Cris and I grew up. We grew apart. It happens. We are now in our 30’s and really never lived through the rebellious 20’s.

 

To be continued……

 

Here we are 2 weeks after I started writing this blog.

 

Today is the day after my 32^nd birthday. I remember so vividly…this time the day after my 29^th birthday….I was laying upside down in a dark room @ Roanoke Memorial Hospital. I had gone into labor with my 5^th beautiful son; Maddox Garrison.

 

Maddox had very long legs and toes and fingers. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, he favored Isaac and Ian.

 

This time 3 years ago, I hadn’t met him yet. I was lying still, basically on my head.

 

I didn’t pray the first time that week. I know there were tons of people praying for me, for Maddox and for the family….but I wasn’t praying. Not one bit.

 

I can remember the emotions pretty well. I knew the end was near. I knew that he wasn’t going to make it 3 ½ more weeks inside of me. I had resolved to the fact that he would be born at some point before the 24 week milestone. I knew in my mind that even if he made it to the 24 week milestone-his future would be difficult. He would have multiple health problems-and his quality of life would be different than his brothers.

 

I was either completely numb, or I was completely OK with how things were going.

 

I THINK I was completely numb. I think honestly that I am STILL completely numb. Is that even possible?

 

I made the decision a long time ago, that I wasn’t going to let it define me. I wasn’t going to let the loss of my sons and the shattered pieces of my heart define who I was going to be for the rest of my life.

 

For the most part, I have stuck by that. I have allowed it to be a big PART of my life-but I haven’t allowed it to DEFINE who I am as a person.

 

With all of that being said-this post is about to get real yo! (yea, I just ghettofied my white girl post)

 

I have allowed my relationship status, to become my definition…..

 

Well, that’s partially true.

 

I believe (d) in my heart, that I wasn’t able to be alone. I believed that the only way for me to be complete, is to be with someone.

I’m not sure if that is truly what it was, or just that my self-esteem and my self-worth is/was SO low, that I needed a distraction of another person to cope with everything.

 

 

The mistakes I have made in the last 12 months, have been a learning experience for me. Not only did I prove that I certainly CAN make myself have lower self-esteem than I already did, but I can also fill my life with things that are good for the time being-but BAD in the long run.

 

Kind of like the Shrek thing “ That’ll do Donkey, That’ll do”. LOL

 

I really wasn’t careful or cautious who I was around, or who I was exposing my life to.
I was that “church goer” that I can’t stand. I went to church, for the sake of going to church. I would take things away from the services and the lessons, but it would last a day or 2 in my head, and then I was back to doing what I wanted to do. I convinced myself that I don’t understand the bible, and I don’t understand Gods will for my life-but in reality, I had forced myself to BELIEVE this was true because I was/am lazy.

 

I spent so much time blaming myself for the tragedies in my life that I convinced myself I just needed to fill that void. I filled it with all of the wrong things.

 

I spent 4 months in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship which turned out to also be physically abusive in the end.

 

I spent time in a relationship that wasn’t a relationship at all. It was a convenience. It was 2 people lost in the same place.

 

I spent time making myself believe that having someone by my side made me complete.

 

Only within the last few weeks, have I realized that I haven’t been the real me with ANY of the friendships/relationships that I have been involved in. I have used each of them in a different way. TO gain self fulfilment, to make myself feel whole, to distract myself from everything spinning around me. The List goes on.

 

I allowed myself to be used. I allowed it. Being “used” felt like being “needed” at the time.

I happily waited hand and foot on others while chasing the desire to feel something. To feel needed, or to feel wanted. To feel valuable.

 

I’ve heard it over and over-GOD is the only one that can provide that void.

 

Well…for right now..these are the only realizations I have….and I am sorting through them

 

I do know, that now is the time for me to stop GIVING of myself in every way possible.

 

Now is the time for me to be selfish, say NO, stop searching for the tangible feeling and just LET IT BE WHAT IT IS. It’s time for me to take care of me…..

 

So, here is to learning how to do that.

 

God help us all!