Life After

I keep having that dream….   More like a nightmare I guess.   It’s hazy in the room, but I can see the silver cage around the round lights above my head. I can hear machines, and I can see people buzzing around me. I can’t quite make out faces or voices, I just hear a lot of chatter. My chest feels like its cracked open and it feels like my heart is sitting right there, out in the open. It just hurts. It’s a pain I can’t describe. Then, as clear as day, the anesthesia doctor is looking down at my face and he says “ I will be right here by your head the whole time, you’re going to be just fine”. I try to nod but I can’t move my head. All of the sudden, a nurse appears to my left and all I can hear her saying is “they will be fine, you will see them back in your room”. The only thing at this point I know for certain is that there are tears running down every inch of my face and I can’t stop it.     This is about the time I wake up from this stu...

This was posted on Facebook this week by a very dear friend of mine. Out of respect for her, I will not share her name, or her full story. But, I have known her now for 15 years & this woman never ceases to amaze me. I think it has actually been 13 years or so since I have seen her in person, but we have kept in touch over the years thanks for social media. She has always had a way of expressing emotions on paper in a way no one else I have known can do. She is beautiful & intelligent master of words & I envy her ability of expression. She is also a God fearing woman that has always made her such a solid foundation in my life. I am sharing this post of hers today because it says everything that I feel in my heart but can’t ever put to paper the right way.                                    ...

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us…”              -David Richo   Boy, do I have some wounds. I am not sure however, that I have found the best and most beautiful parts. From just about the time the twins were buried, people have told me at least weekly that I should invest in therapy. I declined for a long time because I felt I was able to handle the losses on my own. After reaching the place that I believed was the rock bottom for me, I relented and very reluctantly started therapy.   My expectations of therapy were simple. 1-Go in, fold my arms over my chest & listen to a lot of crap. 2-Participate in talking only about the things I wanted to discuss 3- Spend a few sessions doing the above & then feeling all better and going back to life as usual. I was wrong.   I have been going weekly, religiously, for almost a ye...

I have had a lot of word vomit lately and it seems like I can’t get everything out the way I want it to sound without doing what I do best….writing.   (Well, not what I do best, but the best way I know how to communicate)   Let’s face it: I’m a crier. One of the many characteristics and traits that I have come to acknowledge and accept over the years. I get upset, I cry. I get overwhelmed, I cry. I get really ticked off and I cry. When I can’t put thoughts to words, it all comes out in tears.   When 3am came along this morning and I was still staring at my computer working, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Nighttime has been really hard for me since the twins died. For many different reasons though….   After they died, I had nightmares where I relived the operating room where I had to have a D&C because of the blood loss after the boys. I would close my eyes and all I could see was the big round BRIGHT lights in the OR. The pres...

I swear some days I have so many things going through my mind that I want to put on paper and I just can't get it to come together where it would make sense.  I have poured my heart into my job for the last 4 years, because it was the only place where I felt I had some kind of control of what was going on around me.  At home, I had no control over the fact that sin had come into my marriage. In my body, I had no control over my children dying in my arms. In my friendships, relationships and family, I had no control of their opinions, their thoughts, their feelings. Everything around me felt like this weird out of body experience where everything happened in slow motion and all i could do was stand still and watch it happen.  At least at work, I was able to control my surroundings. I was able to talk to people who had no idea that my husband had just left me, or my kids had just died. I was able to talk to customers on the phone that didn't see ME. They didn't see wh...

3/16/15   Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to battle my way out of the depression that I allowed to engulf my spirit.   I started in October, so I have had roughly 18-22 sessions.   Session 1-probably 9 or 10…I sat with my arms crossed. Mostly answering with Yes or No answers to the deliberately irritating questions Steve would ask me. I am sure in his therapy type mind; he was analyzing body language, agitation, responses and at some points, my ability to form actual words.   I gave very vague answers because honestly, I had nothing I wanted to talk about. There was nothing that HE could say to me that I wanted to hear.   Sessions 10-now-has been MUCH more detailed and much more enlightening for me. Once I finally agreed to speak in full sentences and uncross my arms, I have been able to have a more accurate look at my heart (or what is left of it) and how deep my scars actually ran.   The key words in the last 2 w...