Just a catch up on the last year!

I have wanted to sit down and blog for a long time. I’ve wanted a way to sort through the stress, the excitement, the fear and all of the other emotions that have encompassed me over the last year.

 

BUT, my fear got the best of me, and sitting down to write it all out seemed more hurtful then helpful. Not only to me, but to others that are involved.

 

To catch you up on the last year or so, for those that do not follow on Facebook: Isaac turned 12. Yes, my baby boy is almost a teenager. There have been so many things going on with the kids’ sports, and school events, and Christmas, and family stuff, that his “party” is being postponed until, who knows when. He doesn’t like that, but there just aren’t enough days in the week.  He completed his first ½ of 6^th grade and with FLYING COLORS I must say. All A’s, and a B…The kid is amazing. He’s grown up to be such gentlemen. He is very wise beyond his years, and sometimes I forgot that he’s just a kid. He has always worked hard to do better, to please others, and to be the best at everything. He obviously isn’t the BEST at everything, but his goals are unbelievable for himself. I love having conversations with him as he’s growing up and learning new things and getting curious about being a young adult. He makes me proud!

                Caleb, my tiny child! He has grown up so much emotionally and mentally in the last 6-12 months. He has really surprised me with his level of effort and maturity he has exhibited as time has moved on. The poor kids experienced a lot of emotional turmoil in a short amount of time with living situations, moving to/from Richmond, new schools, new friends, different sports, different family dynamic, losing their brothers…the list could go on. But I have been so pleased and so impressed with each of them in their own ways. I couldn’t be more excited about Caleb being in his new school this year. He is surrounded by amazing teachers, aides, classmates and professionals looking out for his best interest and working with us to make sure he has a successful year. It has been very uplifting. HE is blessed to have one of my childhood friends as a teacher, and a mentor of mine as a principal. Two wonderful individuals that I’ve known for more than twenty years and those that I admire so much. I’ve also met another teacher @ this school through Isaac soccer team who has been a great support system for us, and a great leader and guide in this new school and in the soccer program. To say I am blessed would be an understatement.

 

This blog originally started as a place for me vent my feelings and emotions about infant loss. Most specifically, for me to grieve and celebrate the lives of my twin angels Ian and Owen. Shortly after they were born and died, the blog shifted to my pregnancy with by Rainbow son Maddox. Well, all of you know how that turned out, as the blog again shifted to my 3^rd devastating loss.

 

I stopped writing not long after that because my grief really wasn’t any different than with Ian and Owen. I couldn’t communicate what I was feeling because I had been feeling the same emotions for so long, that I felt like a broken record. It didn’t seem to be helping me anymore during that time to complain, and write it out.

 

I blamed God much less this go-round than I did with Ian and Owen. Perhaps because I felt like he didn’t really care anyway, because he allowed it to happen again.  I think I became a little numb, a little jaded and I lost a lot of my ability to care. Perhaps it was because I was so distracted because the family dynamic had changed due to what seems to be the natural cycle of life.

 

 

 

 

 

I have several things to say about the natural cycle of life.

 

#1-It sucks:  There are no nicer words, but there are a ton of lengthier, more vulgar ones I could use. BUT, I will spare you the R-rated reading material for now.

#2-a mature 18 and a mature 30 are 2 totally different things.

#3-the likelihood of ever knowing the truth behind others secrets is slim to none. Also, the likelihood of understanding why things happen, pretty much obsolete.

#4-There comes a point in time, when you realize you’re more important than others make you feel. Friends, Family, co-workers, I don’t care who it is, you have to find a peace within yourself somewhere along the way to make any kind of substantial headway in your life.

 

With all of that being said…..I struggle DAILY with all of those things. I like answers. I like control. I like positive reasoning, and I like knowledge and understanding of events. I selfishly DO care what other people think and feel and I do care how they make me feel. I tend to believe the unworthiness that other have made me feel. I tend to trust way too easily yet be completely guarded all at the same time. I’ve struggled with how I have made others feel in my time of depression. I worry about how my children will remember the last 3-4 years of their lives. I struggle with second guessing my decisions every single day. I struggle with the desire to have my happy.

I have certainly dealt with depression on several levels. I’ve dealt with betrayal. I’ve dealt with dishonestly. I’ve developed a very accusing nature and a very untrusting nature. The ability to show or feel happiness was stripped away from my when Ian and Owen died. Then, my faith and love began to be tested with the Death of Maddox. Then, as I developed a sense of grieving that I could only do on my own, I pushed away family and pushed away friends. I essentially caused a crumble in the only thing that I had known for 13 years.

 

Through that though, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned a lot about the people around me, and I’ve learned a lot about the potential for growth, and the reality that sometimes, love just ain’t enough. (the song is stuck in your head isn’t it?) I loved my sons, but that wasn’t going to keep them here. I’ve loved other people in my life, but that doesn’t mean they needed to be here.

 

Most of you know, I generally will speak my mind, and show a lot of raw honesty and emotion. I truly believe in the sanctity of a private household. I do believe there are things that are not public knowledge. I also stand behind not speaking ill of anyone to the general public because character is important. Hurting someone else will not make me feel better, as much as sometimes, I think it would. Dealing internally is no longer an option for me because I have exhausted all of my resources to cope mentally. I appreciate a place to go on paper, where I can have emotions, where I can lay out feelings without placing blame. I enjoy being able to talk about my boys, about my family and my friends in an uplifting and supportive manor. I would not be where I am today, or even probably sitting here writing this blog if it weren’t for the people that I now know God placed in my life. I feel certain there is redemption. I feel certain there is forgiveness. There may not be complete healing of broken pieces in my life, but there is certainly room for complete forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself for the bitterness and anger, forgiveness of others for the pain and hurt that was caused. Forgiveness again of myself, for blaming God, for believing that this was his plan, and for acting as if I was owed something for so long.

 

Moving on a more general subject of the intended blog space…..I’m pregnant. =)

I’m having my 6^th (AND FINAL) son, Evan David. He is to be born anytime between now and the end of March. I’m kinda leaning towards the hope that he waits until March…but we all know my plans for birthing children are never carried out in full. =)

 

To walk you through a little bit of this pregnancy. Yes, it was an “oh hell no” moment when the stick had 2 lines. I do remember standing there, holding it and shaking as I said “oh God, Oh God no, Oh God NO”, as it turned colors. That brief 2 ½ seconds of excitement turned into fear. Turned into extreme grief as I realized, THIS pregnancy has so many variables. #1-We all know my history, scary in itself. #2-I’m 30 and separated from my husband, this can NOT be happening & #3-I again yelled at God for his untimely and unappreciated sense of humor. (And for those of you stuck on #2, yes, this is my husband’s child…I know you were thinking it)

 

I was rightfully scared out of mine from the moment I found out. I was not positive about anything except that I was NOT going to get my hopes up and I was NOT going to discuss having a baby or the reality of it until way way later into it.

 

I immediately consulted my doctor who set me up with a team of high risk doctors who started treatment plans. Meetings with genetics, meetings with counselors, meetings with nutritionists, ultrasounds, visits, consults….it went on and on. Just before the end of the 1^st trimester, we had a plan.

 

Months ago, I went through surgery for a CERCLAGE. Basically, it’s 16 gauge fishing wire stitching my cervix together and holding Evan inside of me. Yep, that’s about the gist of it. It was a simple outpatient procedure and has great results. Two weeks after the stitch was placed, I started a drug called McKenna. It’s a weekly injection that hurts like a B*%#@. The injection is to help my uterus stay relaxed so that I am not having contractions that I don’t realize I’m having. I have it done one time a week, and the takes several minutes to inject. It is the consistency of caster oil and it burns like a torch as it goes in. For about 36 hours, I have rashes, hot flashes, bruises and burning at the injection site. It sucks, it hurts, but it is the SMALLEST sacrifice I can make to get my Evan here.

 

Today, I am happy to announce, I am 30 weeks pregnant =) (Based on his most recent ultrasound). If we go off of the 1^st one, I am 29 weeks and 4 days. EITHER WAY, I am well past the 20w2d Mark I had with Ian, Owen and Maddox. I need Evan to wait about 6 more weeks and I will feel MUCH more comfortable with his arrival.

 

I’ve started painting his nursery (God bless Angie and my mom for all of their help, but I think I am starting to annoy them w/ my inability to listen to their requests).

 

God is good, I will tell you that right now….I battle daily with emotional stress and panic, but God has put the right people in my life. He has given me positive situations to remind me of my blessings. He has given me struggles, to remind me of my strength. I can do this….I can be a single mom for a 12 year old, an almost 9 year old and an infant…. I think…We shall see. I am blessed my kids have a father that loves them and is so involved in their day to day. I can do this…maybe. =)