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My ramblings

November 1, 2019 Three Thousand and fifty days. (3,050) Seventy-Three thousand Two Hundred hours. (73,200) It has been 3,050 days. I’m not even sure if I should say 3,050 days since my life changed, or since I last held Ian and Owen, or since the last time I lost my way. All of those things are true. The average human takes about 12-18 breaths a minute. So, for the sake of round numbers & using 15 beats per minute. It has been approximately 1,098,000 breaths I have taken on this earth without them.  The last 1,098,000 breaths have taken a lot more strength and a lot more work than all of the ones prior to June 24 th , 2011. In fact, some days I feel like I can’t even get those 15 breaths a minute. Somedays, it feels like there is no breathing at all. You may be thinking “It’s been 8 years get over it”. Or “you should be able to deal with it by now”. One of the best things someone ever told me was that grief has no time expectations. You would be amazed ...
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The things that mold me

March 21, 2019   I think I have writers block when I am in Roanoke. I stay distracted with the kids’ sports, their school activities, their extra-curricular activities & work. It is so easy for me to just ignore all of the stuff rolling around in my head. That is, until I get behind the wheel of my car and head south. I assume it would be the same if I headed north, but I don’t ever tend to go that way. I always wind up South. Perhaps because everybody knows North Carolina is my favorite state ever and I will live here one day. I packed up this morning, dropped the little one at Preschool, said goodbye to the others & headed south. I only got about 20 minutes from home before the thoughts bottled up in my mind just rushed to the center of my attention. I had a beautiful 3-hour drive to sort out how I truly and honestly feel about some things that I have tried so hard to ignore. Since writing is the outlet I use most, and by far the safest & most productive ...
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December 20, 2018               I am always a little nostalgic during the Holidays. I think I am like this most of the year. I am “that adult” that remembers the Christmas table runner that my mom had on our table during the Holidays. I remember the single candle lights mom put in each window around Christmas. She used to have to use tape to hold them in our windows. She would light them every single night when it got dark and she would come around and turn them off at bedtime. On Christmas Eve, every home in our neighborhood would line the street in front of their house and their driveways with these little white bags filled 2-3 inches high with sand and a tea light candle. They would be lit & the entire neighborhood was just beautifully bright and Christmassy. Most of those traditions are long past, but they were a part of my childhood every single year and I still long for them.   I am not sure if...
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The story in the Testimony

I guess it’s going to have to hurt I guess I’m going to have to cry. Let go of some things I’ve loved To get to the other side I guess it’s going to break me down Like falling when you’re trying to Fly It’s sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life Starts with Good-bye.     That is the Chorus to a popular Carrie Underwood song. I have heard it a million times. I even sing along when I hear it. But today, this same song hit me in an entirely different way than it ever has before.   I have struggled the last 6 years with my identity.   June 23 rd , 2011, my identity was simple. I was a PTA mom, a soccer mom, a baseball mom, a very tired and large pregnant wife waiting to add 2 more lives to our already chaotic lives.   June 24 th , 2001…..           I lost that identity. I was no longer all of those things. I became a shell. I became this person I didn’...
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2017

As the end of another year approaches, it is often the time most reflect on the current year; their lives, their families & their dreams.   For parents who have lost children, for adults that have faced divorced, for people young and old that make life changing mistakes or decisions; That time of reflection comes daily, not just as the calendar turns to a brand new year.   I will never regret starting this blog. I have gone back and read things 3 and even 4 times when I feel really lonely and when I am missing my boys. I can read the words now and feel the raw emotion and the distress that I shared with the world. The rawness has started to heal & the triggers such as hospital smell, new baby smells, tears…have somewhat faded. There are days I feel guilty that I can’t touch that place in my heart to connect with those emotions. SO many times I want to cry, or I want to feel that anger and rage just for a few minutes, but I just can’t seem to get to that...
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July 18, 2016   Sometimes, I could be listening to the radio & a specific song or phrase, with no warning, will leave me drenched in my own tears.   I am convinced that most people will just never understand.   They will never understand why 80% of the time, I have a look on my face that resembles someone that is completely dead inside.   They will never understand the reason I look so tired all the time, is not because I am raising 3 boys by myself, but because I don’t sleep.   They will never understand that I don’t sleep because I have night terrors.   There are moments where I feel like I am re-living this nightmare again. There are times when I feel like it never even happened and it is just a distant dream.   In a very short amount of time between 2011 and 2014….I buried 3 sons. I buried a 12 year marriage after what was left of my heart, shattered into a million more pieces. We officially ended o...
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