Life After

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, becau...

Stuff just SUCKS... Let's be real here. It just sucks. No sugar coating, no bells and whistles, no pretty bows...stuff just SUCKS! "losing a child changes your entire life" You know what I have to say to that?? No SHIT SHERLOCK! I've had more weak moments in the last month then I care to talk about. I can't even count now on one hand how many instances have taken places over the last 19 months that have significantly changed my life. I look back and see this spiral that keeps going and going with no end in sight. It's just this long train of emotions that is up and down and sideways! Some days it seems to come to a complete hault and I am numb to every bad situation that happens. Some days, I am overly sensitive to the smallest of things. I was never one to believe that people can drastically change over the course of time. I was the dilusional and naive child that believed you fall in love with the core of a human being. Their actions and reaction...

I need control..... We are getting into the Holiday season now and this year it carries an entirely different meaning for me than it did even last year. I sat here today beside Isaac watching him sleep as we are both recovering from the flu and it hit me that this time 11 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of a 4 day labor process waiting for my little bundle of joy to be born. I was scared to death, as my labor was induced due to my blood pressure. Isaac wasn't due for another 2 weeks. It was dark in my room, I had no idea what I was getting into and I was excited and very very nervous. Cris and I were not married at the time but both of our families were there waiting on the birth of their first nephew & Grandson. I remember sleeping a lot and I remember a lot of drugs being pumped into my arms for days on end it seemed like. Saturday night around 9pm we were at the point of making some decisions. Isaac wasn't willing to budge and I had been in lab...