Being a mommy before... Laundry baskets full of dirty clothes Constantly finding tissues for your dirty nose Cleaning up the crumbs from your breakfast Rushing around town so you are not last. Being a mommy now... There are still dirty baskets around the house Never once is it "quiet as a mouse" The crumbs are on the table, floors and walls and we are always present when you are called. The difference in then and now is as simple as it gets I was given a gift from God that only I could fit. My heart has been used 5 times To carry Gods precious angels While there are two sets of hands I hold there are 3 more I must not handle It is a precious gift and also a painful curse To know your heart is full of love and also pain you can't reverse God must have known He must have seen That my heart just was not whole and so he blessed my heart again and it took away my soul "How many children do you have?" is the hardest one of all But ...
Can I just state for the record,
You can not “catch” infant death. Just saying…
I actually had a pregnant acquaintance tell me today that
she has not reached out to me because she is worried for her unborn childs
safety. Now, I am sure she MEANT that she doesn’t want to “worry” herself into
an early delivery by reading or listening to my story-since it IS natural to
worry about yourself and the health of your babies when you’re hearing of such
terrible news..BUT, the way it was said seemed as if…. “ I am scared I will
catch what caused yours”. Wow, really???
So, all I am going to say about this is…you can’t catch it,
I promise! =)
Now, to follow up on what I started yesterday….
I was telling my friend Mandy that my blogs must sound to
others that I am just in this terrible place right now-feeling nothing but
sorry for myself and my family. Please don’t take my writings as such. While I
don’t necessarily BLAME myself for what happened, I can think of 100 ways that
I could have POSSIBLY prevented it. Possibly being the key word here.
I could have taken my prenatal vitamins a little more
regularly. Those of you that know me, know that I am horrible with remembering
medicines. Hence how I got pregnant with Isaac…Um, birth control only works
when you REMEMBER to take it! =)
So, I could have done better by taking it on a more regular
schedule to help my body, and the babies grow & develop the right way. So,
yes, I blame myself for this. While we have no idea if it has anything @ all to
do with what happened, I can still blame myself for this part.
I could have listened to the babies more, and to my body!
For that matter, to everyone else also.
I should have stayed @ home and rested, instead of going to
every single baseball game and practice for both boys. I should have stayed out
of the 110 degree weather for 6-8 hours to watch baseball & support the
boys. I should have screamed a little louder @ work when I said I needed help
and couldn’t handle doing 2 jobs. I should have put my foot down on a lot of
things. I should have taken it a little easier! There is no doubt about that. I
could have rested more!
On Tuesday June 22nd as I sat @ the baseball
field late that night w/ Jennifer & Michelle telling me to call the Dr ASAP
because I was white as a ghost and my blood pressure was through the roof, I
should have listened. I’d had a really bad day that day @ work-a really long
hard day(we were/are grossly understaffed). But, I should have listened then,
to myself, the babies & my friends, when they told me to call! Instead, I
took a Tylenol when I got home, and went to bed. I felt that something wasn’t
right on Thursday, I had weird pains and pressure all day, and the constant
need to go to the bathroom, my water was leaking…I should have listened then.
I lifted more than 50 lbs, several times a day, I stressed
out and put my blood pressure over the roof, several times a week. I wasn’t
eating right, I wasn’t taking my vitamins right, and I wasn’t resting right. I
could have changed all of those things and prevented what happened. So, you can
see how it’s easy to blame myself.
HOWEVER, I am NOT dwelling on these things. I can’t…I will
drive myself straight to the looney bin-I can’t handle blaming myself for the
rest of my life. I again, am writing this blog in therapy for myself, so please
don’t think I am borderline crazy…..you don’t need to worry about me. I am
processing the best way I can! I promise!
PLEASE continue to read this
blog. Continue to be mindful of our family. This certainly isn’t an easy time-If
you’re a praying person and believe that works, then PLEASE continue to do that
for us. We do appreciate all of the
support and thoughts…
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