Being a mommy before... Laundry baskets full of dirty clothes Constantly finding tissues for your dirty nose Cleaning up the crumbs from your breakfast Rushing around town so you are not last. Being a mommy now... There are still dirty baskets around the house Never once is it "quiet as a mouse" The crumbs are on the table, floors and walls and we are always present when you are called. The difference in then and now is as simple as it gets I was given a gift from God that only I could fit. My heart has been used 5 times To carry Gods precious angels While there are two sets of hands I hold there are 3 more I must not handle It is a precious gift and also a painful curse To know your heart is full of love and also pain you can't reverse God must have known He must have seen That my heart just was not whole and so he blessed my heart again and it took away my soul "How many children do you have?" is the hardest one of all But ...
I try really hard NOT to mention names in my blog. Those
that I speak about know who they are! I don’t think it’s necessary to smear
everyone else’s thoughts/feelings that they share with me all over my blog! =)
Without mentioning names, someone I don’t really know, but
I am getting to know, made me feel really good about my writing the other
night. She made me feel like I am not alone. Not that I have felt alone,
because I certainly have had the family & friends present during this;
which I am thankful for. But you see, as I have learned over the past 10 weeks,
there are MILLIONS of woman out there, suffering from a “silent” loss or a
“silent” miscarriage. By silent, I mean they don’t talk about. Many people that
they talk to in their daily lives, don’t even know they have suffered such a
loss.
It made my heart very happy to hear in ONE DAY-2 different
people tell me “Thanks for writing your blog, you are saying things that I have
felt for a long time, but haven’t been able to say”. It made me feel really
great that they no longer feel alone. It made me feel a tiny bit of peace, that
there are others out there sharing the same feelings, even if our losses were
in a different format.
It breaks my heart every day to see pregnant woman doing
things that potentially could harm their unborn child, or even themselves. It
breaks my heart even MORE to watch people abusing their children in public (Not
that I condone it in private either, I am just saying-the ones we can SEE while
out shopping, or wherever). Better yet, people that do not WANT children, but
continue having them and not taking care of them.
Having said that, I feel so very helpless when I talk to a
number of my friends that are trying so desperately to become parents, but
can’t. Or my handful of friends that are experiencing symptoms so early in life
that is making it impossible for them to bare a child. Or even those of my
friends that have tried many options available to extend their family, but
nothing gone as planned.
I am not mentioning all of these things to bring up hurtful
feelings that some of you readers have. I am saying this to get to a “thank
you”.
Thank you for reaching out to me, in this terrible time or
emptiness & pain, to share with me your stories. Thank you for showing me,
that while I am experiencing a loss, some of you are also. Maybe not the loss
of giving birth to a child and losing him or her, but a loss very similar to my
emptiness. It is very humbling to understand that there are many people in my
immediate circle of friends and family that are suffering the same feelings,
but for different reasons. I thank you, for empathizing with my feelings about
losing Ian & Owen. Thank you for sympathizing with my loss of words
sometimes, or my “too many words” sometimes. Thank you for sharing with me, the
struggles that you are enduring daily, weekly, or hourly in your own personal
& family life-to help me better understand, even in my sadness, I am not
alone in this journey!
In addition..
Many have asked how to “renovation” is coming along…
Well, as I told you the other night, we bought the tile.
Since then..we’ve brough the tile inside! =) That’s about it! Thanks for
inquiring. I will keep posts coming about the room progress.
Emotional progress-I’ve been able to get distracted this
week with soccer games, practice, PTA responsibilities & “team mom”
responsibilities that I’ve allowed myself to stay consumed. Fear not though…the
weekend is always a killer for me. =)
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