Life After

November 1, 2019 Three Thousand and fifty days. (3,050) Seventy-Three thousand Two Hundred hours. (73,200) It has been 3,050 days. I’m not even sure if I should say 3,050 days since my life changed, or since I last held Ian and Owen, or since the last time I lost my way. All of those things are true. The average human takes about 12-18 breaths a minute. So, for the sake of round numbers & using 15 beats per minute. It has been approximately 1,098,000 breaths I have taken on this earth without them.  The last 1,098,000 breaths have taken a lot more strength and a lot more work than all of the ones prior to June 24 th , 2011. In fact, some days I feel like I can’t even get those 15 breaths a minute. Somedays, it feels like there is no breathing at all. You may be thinking “It’s been 8 years get over it”. Or “you should be able to deal with it by now”. One of the best things someone ever told me was that grief has no time expectations. You would be amazed ...

March 21, 2019   I think I have writers block when I am in Roanoke. I stay distracted with the kids’ sports, their school activities, their extra-curricular activities & work. It is so easy for me to just ignore all of the stuff rolling around in my head. That is, until I get behind the wheel of my car and head south. I assume it would be the same if I headed north, but I don’t ever tend to go that way. I always wind up South. Perhaps because everybody knows North Carolina is my favorite state ever and I will live here one day. I packed up this morning, dropped the little one at Preschool, said goodbye to the others & headed south. I only got about 20 minutes from home before the thoughts bottled up in my mind just rushed to the center of my attention. I had a beautiful 3-hour drive to sort out how I truly and honestly feel about some things that I have tried so hard to ignore. Since writing is the outlet I use most, and by far the safest & most productive ...

December 20, 2018               I am always a little nostalgic during the Holidays. I think I am like this most of the year. I am “that adult” that remembers the Christmas table runner that my mom had on our table during the Holidays. I remember the single candle lights mom put in each window around Christmas. She used to have to use tape to hold them in our windows. She would light them every single night when it got dark and she would come around and turn them off at bedtime. On Christmas Eve, every home in our neighborhood would line the street in front of their house and their driveways with these little white bags filled 2-3 inches high with sand and a tea light candle. They would be lit & the entire neighborhood was just beautifully bright and Christmassy. Most of those traditions are long past, but they were a part of my childhood every single year and I still long for them.   I am not sure if...