It hit me today for some reason. I really can't have anymore kids.
Not sure why it hit me, or even why it's bothering me now. I guess because I realize just how "big" my 2 are. Isaac doesn't "need" mama anymore. Caleb is having a big birthday soon, and they are just not babies anymore. They are growing up too fast. The last 3 years or so have been so consumed with so many things good & bad that I feel like I've lost precious time with them. I realize that I have been here and haven't missed anything in their lives, but I look back on the last 10 years (almost 11) and I feel like the time has moved so quickly and I can't get it back.
So many of our peers are having babies, just like after the twins, it feels like everyone is expecting. We had dinner w/ my dad tonight and it almost hurt a little to think about him not having anymore grandchildren. My dad loves having babies around and it hurts my heart to know that I can't do what "woman were made to do" and provide more grandchildren to our parents, all of them. In a weird strange way (even though in my heart I know it's not so), I feel like less of a wife, less of a mother, less of a woman because I am unable to provide my family with more children.
I had a mere meltdown this morning (if you ask my husband, it was the end of the world, kicking & screaming, fighting the world kind of meltdown). I took it all out on him really this morning. The smallest of small things upset me and I was just angry. Nothing was going my way. We got home from our epic fail of an attempt @ family time @ the gym (not really anyones fault, but if you asked me earlier in the day, I would say it was Cris' fault and then it turned into ISaacs fault that it was a failure of an attempt). That however is all beside the point. We got home, and I went to my room and sat down for a minute and everything just fell apart. I had my 5 minutes of flowing tears and that was that. It didn't help how I was feeling, but it made me a little less mean today. I can't describe the emotions in my heart except to describe them as human emptiness. I am so overwhelmed with graciousnes for the gifts of Isaac and Caleb in my life, but I feel so lost and not whole since losing Ian, Owen & Maddox. I realize there comes a time that you just cut your losses and have to move on. I am so impatient to get to that point it's rediculous. Not that I WANT to cut my losses and move on, but i am so emotionally exhausted by the entire process that I just want it to be over. I have had dozens of people tell me in the last week or so how tired I look. It amazes me that I am not phsyically tired, yet I must look like hell every single day.
I no longer believe that we "control" if our day will be a positive experience or a negative one. I make a concious effort to put on a good face for everyone else, but internally, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I fight a daily battle to accept this life. I am fighting a new daily battle to accept that I can not give my family what I feel I should be able to give. I never imagined I would be the one between my sister & I to want a lot of kids. But after Caleb, we knew we wanted at least 1 more. When we got pregnant with the twins, it was so exciting and overwhelming to think about doing everything you do with a baby x2. I love being able to say that I have 5 boys, but then I quickly remember that no one really will ever be able to see that fact. I won't ever be able to really be a mother to 5 boys. I can say I have 5, but I am not a mom to 5 boys. I am a MOM to 2 that really don't need me anymore. They are no longer in the stage of life where MOM is an important word to them. I can only hope one day that they have the love & respect for me & Cris that I have now as an adult for my parents. I can certainly understand right now how it is hard for them to love me, It's hard for me to love myself. I feel so at fault for losing the boys, and then I feel so guilty for blaming myself because I KNOW there really isn't much that I could have done to prevent what happened. I couldn't have possibly loved them any more than I did. I couldn't have possibly provided a better short life for them then we did. I truly wish the outcome would have been as such where I would be sitting here blogging about ANYTHING else, while holding the twins and/or Maddox while I typed. But, we all know that isn't happening. Not even the gym could take away how I felt today and how I am sure the next several days are going to be. It is APRIL and I am already dreading every part of June and then July. June for the 1 year anniversary for my baby boys and then July for the due date of Maddox. Oh, I am tearing up even thinking of it.....
I am tired of being angry, and sad, and I am tired of feeling non-human.
Not sure why it hit me, or even why it's bothering me now. I guess because I realize just how "big" my 2 are. Isaac doesn't "need" mama anymore. Caleb is having a big birthday soon, and they are just not babies anymore. They are growing up too fast. The last 3 years or so have been so consumed with so many things good & bad that I feel like I've lost precious time with them. I realize that I have been here and haven't missed anything in their lives, but I look back on the last 10 years (almost 11) and I feel like the time has moved so quickly and I can't get it back.
So many of our peers are having babies, just like after the twins, it feels like everyone is expecting. We had dinner w/ my dad tonight and it almost hurt a little to think about him not having anymore grandchildren. My dad loves having babies around and it hurts my heart to know that I can't do what "woman were made to do" and provide more grandchildren to our parents, all of them. In a weird strange way (even though in my heart I know it's not so), I feel like less of a wife, less of a mother, less of a woman because I am unable to provide my family with more children.
I had a mere meltdown this morning (if you ask my husband, it was the end of the world, kicking & screaming, fighting the world kind of meltdown). I took it all out on him really this morning. The smallest of small things upset me and I was just angry. Nothing was going my way. We got home from our epic fail of an attempt @ family time @ the gym (not really anyones fault, but if you asked me earlier in the day, I would say it was Cris' fault and then it turned into ISaacs fault that it was a failure of an attempt). That however is all beside the point. We got home, and I went to my room and sat down for a minute and everything just fell apart. I had my 5 minutes of flowing tears and that was that. It didn't help how I was feeling, but it made me a little less mean today. I can't describe the emotions in my heart except to describe them as human emptiness. I am so overwhelmed with graciousnes for the gifts of Isaac and Caleb in my life, but I feel so lost and not whole since losing Ian, Owen & Maddox. I realize there comes a time that you just cut your losses and have to move on. I am so impatient to get to that point it's rediculous. Not that I WANT to cut my losses and move on, but i am so emotionally exhausted by the entire process that I just want it to be over. I have had dozens of people tell me in the last week or so how tired I look. It amazes me that I am not phsyically tired, yet I must look like hell every single day.
I no longer believe that we "control" if our day will be a positive experience or a negative one. I make a concious effort to put on a good face for everyone else, but internally, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I fight a daily battle to accept this life. I am fighting a new daily battle to accept that I can not give my family what I feel I should be able to give. I never imagined I would be the one between my sister & I to want a lot of kids. But after Caleb, we knew we wanted at least 1 more. When we got pregnant with the twins, it was so exciting and overwhelming to think about doing everything you do with a baby x2. I love being able to say that I have 5 boys, but then I quickly remember that no one really will ever be able to see that fact. I won't ever be able to really be a mother to 5 boys. I can say I have 5, but I am not a mom to 5 boys. I am a MOM to 2 that really don't need me anymore. They are no longer in the stage of life where MOM is an important word to them. I can only hope one day that they have the love & respect for me & Cris that I have now as an adult for my parents. I can certainly understand right now how it is hard for them to love me, It's hard for me to love myself. I feel so at fault for losing the boys, and then I feel so guilty for blaming myself because I KNOW there really isn't much that I could have done to prevent what happened. I couldn't have possibly loved them any more than I did. I couldn't have possibly provided a better short life for them then we did. I truly wish the outcome would have been as such where I would be sitting here blogging about ANYTHING else, while holding the twins and/or Maddox while I typed. But, we all know that isn't happening. Not even the gym could take away how I felt today and how I am sure the next several days are going to be. It is APRIL and I am already dreading every part of June and then July. June for the 1 year anniversary for my baby boys and then July for the due date of Maddox. Oh, I am tearing up even thinking of it.....
I am tired of being angry, and sad, and I am tired of feeling non-human.
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